Saturday, January 15, 2011

Cliche Warning: My kid is Growing Up TOO Fast!

So my many things and continues to amaze me with how he is evolving. I mean he is just this mix up of so many things and seeing how he reacts to situations and new things gives me this great insight into how he is growing up. 

He is ten and is this was the first year he didn't believe in Santa Clause. So the dynamics of the holiday really changed. Everything was basically the same when we opened up the presents in the morning but the underlying feeling of surprise and awe just wasn't there. I didn't realize how much joy I got out of his belief in the wonder of Santa Clause. I definitely had a feeling of melancholy this season. I know it is a necessary evil of raising a kid but I'm not liking the speed of him growing up.

The flip side of this is my son is really becoming aware of what we do for him. He actually surveyed the presents and realized we spent a decent chunk of change on him. He was grateful for it and appreciative. He always has been an appreciative kid but I really could see how he was considering what we gave him. It was definitely maturity on his part. He is an only child and I have always worried that we spoil him or are perceived that we do. The hell with what others think. I think he grasps he get more than the average kid and is grateful for it all and that is what is important to me.

So he is growing up and I can't stop it. It is truly a bitter sweet time and I'm doing my best to relish the moments when he is still child like. Just today I talked to him on the phone and he had that excited voice that he couldn't wait to tell me that he fell while he was skiing. He was so excited to tell me he was hurt...that it was his pride that was hurt. It was the best combination of excitement, humor and wit.  It was truly a moment that I relished.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Moving on...finally

I'm not very good about posting regular on this blog. It is hard to find a moment to myself these days. I swear I have developed ADD as an adult and can't seem to focus these days. I think number of years working with computers kinda makes you a computer. It's lends itself to giving you the ability to multi-task with your brain but I'm thinking I'm not as an effective as a computer. I thought it would get better with moving on to a new job( hahaha..yes adding to the list of the many jobs I have had) but still finding the ability to focus on one task at a time is just..uh difficult right now.

I finally got out the worst situation I have been in career wise and that is no exaggeration. Being free of the situation has allowed me to gain perspective and left me with a bitterness I'm not very happy about. It is always hard when someone breaks a promise but even more difficult when there is money involved. I know I'm never going to see the money owed to me but to call me about my fn phone you paid for two years ago is just ridiculous. The old co-worker calling about it couldn't even make it through the call without apologizing multiple times. We ended with the call saying let's just pretend I returned the phone and thanks for all the hard work you did. And short-term memory wench...did you forget my phone was paid to reimburse me for my huge phone bill while traveling? Did you forget about the 10 day trip from hell on the west coast with not even a thank you? Did you forget about those times I dropped everything including personal commitments to get the job done so not to let down my co-workers?  Did you forget how you took advantage of my work ethic over and over again?

Okay, my vent is over. Holding on to bitterness is not healthy. I think I'm in the sadness stage now realizing that I stayed too long in a very toxic situation. You could say it was character building for awhile but somehow I let it go on too long. For those of you who know me, this is not my usual MO. It actually rocked my confidence in the work world which is very unusual for me.

So now, I'm going to focus on moving forward. I have been in the new job a couple of months and so far so good. No work place is perfect but I am definitely feeling more comfortable in the new environment. I'm starting to dig that people are looking to me for direction. I'm also so grateful for being around nice people. I know that shouldn't be a lot to ask for but I am surprised how some work places just don't foster that type of atmosphere. So I think career wise I'm in a good place and hope it stays that way for awhile. 

"I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up. "  -- Erma Bombeck

Friday, August 27, 2010

Postal Post It Friday

Random Thoughts on a Friday...

Friday, August 6, 2010

Postal Post It Friday

Random Thoughts on a Friday...

Friday, July 9, 2010

I want a mid-life crisis

I want to have a mid-life crisis (MLC). That's right I want one. Unfortunately I'm too scared to actually have one. When I was a young and naive I used to scoff at the idea that one could do such a thing. Laugh at the old guy in the hot rod; roll my eyes at the moms with grown children trying to to start a career; and cluck at the cougar hooking up at the bar.

But now...I get it. I get that time is flying by and missed opportunities grow more painful with age. I soooo get it that I wonder why isn't everyone entitled to explore a mid-life crisis. I mean if I feel this way now am I going to continue to feel this way with each passing year?!?!

Hmmm...but maybe it is just me. Instead of having split personalities I live in a world with two personas. There's the outward-facing one that interacts with people and driven in both life and work. There is also this other internal persona with such exhaustive dialog surrounded around thoughts, feelings, and wishes. Sometimes these two worlds collide, hence the the blog. 

So as I'm writing this it is becoming clearer to me that that clashing of these two personas is causing the need for change craving. So what's this damsel to do....what to do. I think acknowledgment is a great first step. There probably should be a 12-step program of some sort on how to handle wanting a MLC. Erma probably would have a witty way of writing that one. For now, my first step is admission and that is quite a step for now.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Sometimes it is just difficult to be a mother

A few baseball games ago,  I was setting up my chair to watch the kiddo's baseball game and what do you know, there is a crack that makes everyone turn their head and gasp. Unfortunately it was my kid who got smacked in the head with a ball and was laying on the ground. Really time does feel like it stops when such an event occurs.

I don't know why but I ran to get ice and didn't run to my kid because I knew the hubby would already be out there. I just went into this mode that I would have to be useful or I would burst out in tears and where would that get the kid other to see his mom freaking out.

Luckily on our team one of the dads is an ER physician so we was able to assess the situation and although the kid had an egg on his head it landed on the best part of the forehead to get hit so he was dazed but was fine. We sat for awhile with me holding ice on his head and trying to control myself from freaking out. The entire time I was telling myself that it is not okay to lose it because your kid is hurt. You have to be the adult and and the strong one.

But sometimes it is just so difficult not to fall apart when your kid gets hurt. Empathy for your kid can run so deep that it is still surprising to me. My kid is in the double digits and I have always felt this way. Of course it is normal to be concerned and worried when your kid is hurt but I was hoping over time I would learn to control my feelings over it better.

I guess feeling this way is better than not feeling anything but I just think it is sometimes difficult being the mom and the one who should be in control.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Sunday Blues

As much as I love the weekend, I just dread Sunday nights. It feels so daunting every Sunday to know that I will be sitting at my desk the next day. I think the feeling of powerless get stronger with the longer you work. It also doesn't help that my work environment is far from ideal other than being close to home. In fact by the end of many days, I end up chanting those words often in my head. 

It isn't any one thing in particular that makes the work experience less than desirable. It is accumulation of many things that makes me want to run from the job. I'm in a bit of a no win situation with growing my career. I'm finally in the career path I want to be in but find myself challenging myself with moving forward rather than my group or leadership. 

Also, little did I know that it was a family-run company when I first joined. I have worked with a small family involved company in the past and when I discovered the current situation I should have gotten the hell out of there. However, I didn't and now I am in it until I find an opportunity that is a true match for me. In the past, I have jumped into a lot of jobs head first and have gotten lucky a few times. I have met some great people and learned a lot about the personalities I want to work with in my career. Right now, I'm going to try to be patient and wait it out.

I feel a bit guilty complaining about work since there are some people who want a job or really are in worst job situations than I am. I work because financially I know it the best thing to do for my family today and for the future. Also, as bad as my job is, it is truly entertaining sometimes when I have capability to stand back and observe the situation. Also, I have a great friend at work who is able to commiserate with me and remind me that I am not crazy but just those around me that are truly crazy.

So tonight I'm going  to try to scare those Sunday blues away...I may need a few glasses of wine to help me but I'm going to try.